Starting Out Safe
Editor’s note: This is the second installment in a six-part series examining the major growth challenges that every human navigates. To read the introductory article, visit here.
The challenges we face as adults – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual – are all flavored by the experiences we had early in life. One of the reasons some people struggle to create meaningful change in their lives is because they don’t understand the deep wiring of their systems, and how it influences their current reality.
Looking at the ways we meet the world today can give us clues into how we navigated early challenges and effectively coded our systems with innate gifts (and learning edges) in order to survive and thrive. Not digging into this information is a great way to stay stuck in the same challenging loops, again and again.
And, before diving into the first of our five major growth challenges, let’s establish some ground rules:
While it can be easy to focus on the negatives that may emerge from these early experiences, within each challenge also lies a tremendous gift. They can indeed create places we habitually get stuck today, and therefore discomfort. But they also helped us develop the set of resources we use to get our needs met, to thrive in our world, and share our uniqueness with others.
Regardless of the way our adaptations to these challenges are experienced – it’s easy to look at them as bad things, especially when they’re contributing to a present challenge – they are innately good. They got us through our challenges and we’re now here to study them. They helped us make it.
The very first existential challenge we face, from the time we’re in the womb until we’re several months old, is safety.
Safety is an interesting challenge because we’re really navigating it at a time when we’re not aware of ourselves as distinct from the world, or from our mother (or primary caregiver). At this very tender age we are awash in our experience of the environment. We are our environment.
So as little, newly arrived humans, the first thing we’re “measuring” is if the world is safe and welcoming. If we experience peaceful, attuned connection and a warm environment, we can internalize that experience as our own. Foundationally we can have the experience of being welcomed to the world and that our aliveness is OK.
Of course, many significant things can create the experience of lack of safety, such as early trauma, violent environments, or even premature birth and hospitalization. And, really importantly, sometimes our caregivers just miss us at some critical juncture – perhaps they were simply ill or unavailable for us at a time we had a need. Violence or abject lack of safety are not always the root of this challenge.
Because we’re in such a young and vulnerable phase of life, we don’t have many resources of our own that can create that sense of safety. So if for some reason the external environment is unwelcoming or our caregivers aren’t well-attuned, our tendency will be to withdraw. When the physical world isn’t safe, we’ll pull our awareness and experience deep inside ourselves.
In later years, this strategy of withdrawing from physical experience can create deep tension in the body, and at times make it challenging to connect with or relate well to others. The internal environment is really where it’s at for this person, not the active social world of the energized extrovert. When under stress, they may find themselves dissociated or “spaced out” from the experiences they’re having.
However, because the internal worlds are such a resource for these folks, they’re often brilliant creatives and intellectuals, and are frequently highly connected to their spiritual experience.
If the fundamental challenge of safety resonates with you, or if you have similar experiences of withdrawal when stressed, here are three things you can try to help your system find greater balance:
Connect with people that you deeply trust. Not everyone out there will make you comfortable, and it may take some time to determine who your safety tribe really is. Take the time to find people that feel attuned to you, aren’t too intense for your system, and don’t push you to do things faster than feels right. Be purposeful here; all humans need to resonate with others socially. Find the ones that work well for you.
Movement-based physical practices. Relatively mellow activities like swimming or tai chi are a great way to get into the physical experience of your body and bring energy gently outward from your core.
Take breaks when overwhelmed. If you find that you dissociate or “space out” when under stress, go ahead and allow yourself to withdraw into some solo time (or into your safety tribe), get grounded, and reboot. Forcing your way through that space will only tend to be more overwhelming.
In the next part of this series, we’ll explore the second growth challenge – Support. Make sure to follow along to get the full explanation of each significant growth challenge all humans face.