Can I Be an Authentic Individual?
Editor’s note: This is the fourth installment in a six-part series examining the major growth challenges that every human encounters. To read the previous article, visit here.
Some individuals are at ease with being authentic and vulnerable. Others, however, find it extremely difficult and struggle throughout their lives to connect inwardly with these spaces.
Do you relate to this or know someone who fits the bill? If so, this person likely faced the third growth challenge we’re exploring in this series – Authenticity. This growth challenge, like the others, usually stems from early childhood, typically around the 12- to 24-month old mark.
This is the age where humans become more and more mobile. A child at this age is discovering the world on their own for the first time and exploring the concept of individuality and personal power. The world becomes very enticing as the child becomes mobile and can physically move away from their caregivers. They start to explore “outside the bubble” and get feedback about how they should act in this more outward-facing space.
It’s a complex developmental time as it’s the beginning of our individuality. We’re playing with the first glimmers of power and autonomy. And, it’s a time when what our caregivers think we should be as people can interfere with what is authentically unfolding for us.
Think about the scene at a playground. Look around and you’ll see toddlers exploring the sand, swings, slides and other adventures as their parents or caregivers watch them play. Occasionally one will wander just beyond the realm of familiar distance from their parents, into the uncomfortable unknown. It’s scary there outside the bubble, and they’ll often be confused and start crying while looking around for help and reconnection.
If that scary, vulnerable place is skillfully and attentively met by their caregivers, soon enough the child will settle down and be ready to run off again. But a challenge occurs here if the parent dismisses or diminishes (or at an extreme, ridicules or scorns) the authentic experience the child is having. “Big boys (or girls) don’t cry” is a classic example – the experience happening is invalidated and the child learns to disconnect from what’s actually happening inside them in order to appear a particular way that matches what their parents are telling them they should be.
The growth challenge around Authenticity arises when the child learns to modify or mask a behavior or emotion to cater to what an adult wants them to be. In order for them to be an empowered individual they have to develop a projection outward of something that isn’t necessarily authentic to their inner world.
The Authenticity growth challenge tends to manifest in two adaptations:
1. Becoming Invulnerable. This strategy isn’t strictly male, but archetypally this is the “alpha male.” As young boys, these individuals received the message that they had to put on a persona of toughness rather than express feelings of sadness, vulnerability, or sensitivity. As a result, these individuals struggle as adults to authentically express emotion or to connect well with their internal environment.
In the last few decades, this strategy has shown up more for professional women working to climb the corporate ladder. Often, femininity is devalued in the hyper-masculine corporate setting and there’s a requirement to be tough, fearless, and goal-driven. They’ve often been conditioned to believe that showing vulnerability will hinder their success so they keep it tucked away.
Physically, these people are often powerful, big, and project their presence into the space they’re in. They’re extroverts, often inspiring leaders, and can be really good at ensuring the well-being of their tribe. The outward projection of their power can take its toll on their bodies though, as this self-expression can tax the legs, back, and shoulders (think of the classic Superman pose).
2. Use Charm and Shape-Shift. This strategy can be trickier to see as these folks are often excellent at understanding what other people want and expect and can therefore shift from role-to-role easily. Some may describe them as a chameleon. Their bodies tend to be very balanced, even lithe, and they’re great at connecting with others. Rather than being in the “alpha” power role, they’re more-often a “beta” – their use of power is more nuanced, and charming, than the other strategy. They’re better at connecting to express their power than at using force.
A result of the shape shifting, however, can be a disconnect from what’s authentically true for themselves. At an extreme, this strategy can become the “slimy used car salesman” character – someone that you just don’t trust because you know they’re not being honest with their intentions.
Individuals who are deep in this growth challenge have the most difficult time with introspection. This is because their whole world has been outward facing, and so it’s very challenging to look inward for their self-development. As with all the strategies we’re discussing, this isn’t inherently negative or bad. They’ve developed as skillful an adaptation to their particular challenges as they can, and inner work and authentic expression have not always been safe territory for them.
The biggest growth edge for people that have built themselves around the Authenticity challenge is connection with their internal environment. If connecting with your inner experience is a challenge for you, your best bet is to take it slow, and look at it as a skill-building exercise.
Start with your physical experiences. Without needing to fix or change anything about it, what can you simply sit and notice about the sensations happening in your body? There may be a very quick and seemingly clear-cut answer that arises; the challenge from there is to continue to hang out in whatever sensations you notice. Get to know their flow and nuance, and see if you can resist for a moment the likely urge that will arise to jump out of the experience into thinking or doing. It’s a very simple practice, but not necessarily an easy one, and will help you skill-build your way to a better connection with your authentic inner world.
Stay tuned for the next installment in my series on the fundamental growth challenges all we humans face – Freedom.