Editor’s note: This is the fifth installment in a six-part series examining major growth challenges that every human encounters. To read the previous article, visit here.

What’s it like for you to hear someone’s suggestions or ideas for things you should or could do? When you get feedback, or when someone challenges you to grow in a particular way, what’s the impact on your system?

If you’re like me at all, the initial impulse might be to resist. My body gets just a little tense, like I’m bearing down a bit to stand my ground. When I’m able to sit and study that resistance, and open my awareness to what’s underneath that feeling, what I find is a young part of me saying something like, “Don’t tell me what to do.”

This set of responses is rooted in our fourth growth challenge: Freedom.

The Freedom growth challenge emerges when we’re a bit more established as individuals, somewhere around the three- to five-year-old mark. Many aspects of us as small humans are still growing and developing rapidly, and one of those is the ability to explore our freedom.

Our ability to say “No,” create boundaries of our own, and push up against the boundaries of other people in our world is a hallmark of this challenge. The Freedom growth challenge is about the expression of our will power, and how that meets other people that are expressing theirs as well.

Think about a strong-willed four-year-old. Every day, he expresses what he wants, needs or prefers in a confident and sure manner. He knows what he wants and asserts these desires with the adults around him. This developmental phase creates long-term impact when the adults in the child’s life consistently overpower his desires with their own; when he’s regularly not allowed a “win” in the expression of his will power.

The child may hear “No!” consistently. He may receive the message regularly that the adults’ wants and needs are more important than his own. When it happens over and over, the child receives the message that his freedom and ability to express his will power are secondary to others’.

Remember that there’s nuance here – as parents we of course don’t want to allow our children to become tyrants. Teaching our children about boundaries is tremendously important. Where this phase creates long-term challenges is when children are consistently not allowed to feel the empowerment of a win in this expression.

When that happens over time, we can develop the following response patterns:

General resistance to outside influence
Passive-aggressiveness as a way to express power
The system overall may slow down, and experience a decrease in energy along with less excitement or ability to create internally driven action

When really lost in this challenge, it can express in later years as an overall sense of defeat with every obstacle faced. These folks might begrudgingly stick with a dead-end job, stay in unfulfilling relationships, or accept a level of powerlessness in social situations. The classic pop-culture example of this challenge being expressed is our good friend Eeyore. Lovable, but slow-moving and really down on things most of the time.

On the other hand, these individuals are incredibly enduring. They are the people you want to enlist on difficult and long-term projects because they will stay the course. They are the ultimate long-haul workers. These individuals are often highly intelligent, understand systems because they’ve done the time and have learned deeply how things work, and are extremely steady and reliable. They are a great member of any team that often brings a sardonic wit to the group.

Physically, the Freedom growth challenge classically shows up as a slower, potentially sludgy operating system. They are burrowers, physically biased towards resistance. Areas of the body tend to be thick and dense, a physical manifestation of the places in the system that are built to endure.

If you resonate with this growth challenge, first remember that it’s not implicitly a negative, you’ve got specific gifts to share as well! And, if you’re feeling stuck in this energy, try one or more of these suggestions for balancing things out:

Find a small and constructive way to express your “No!” or a solid boundary. Remember that resistance takes up energy and if that can express outward in a healthy way, you’ll free your system up for something different.
Similarly, healthy expressions of anger, the energy of boundaries – just enough to take the edge off – help move energy that’s stuck or sludgy in your system.
Dynamic movement practices like martial arts, swimming, hiking, or running can provide an expressive outlet.
Lengthening practices like yoga, stretching, and bodywork can help balance and bring greater ease to the body.
Outlets for your creativity – like art, music, dance, or theater – are excellent ways to express “You” free-form in the world.

Stay tuned for the final article in this series, which will explore the Acceptance growth challenge.

Can I Do My Thing?