Remember Stifler? That Was Me.
In my last post I shared the Atlantic's article "The Miseducation of the American Boy," a deeply impactful article for me describing the current state of young manhood in America. It's tough out there.
Reading this made me reflect on my own upbringing, my relationship with my dad, and the friendships I had as a teenager and into my 20s. Generally, not supportive of a broad range of emotional and relational experience.
My experience was a lot like the article described – “At one time or another, every young man will get a letter of admission to ‘dick school.’ The question is, will he drop out, graduate, or go for an advanced degree?”
That one resonated. In my 20s I was definitely en route to seeking my advanced degree. In fact, my nickname for several years was “Stifler.” (If you don’t know, watch “American Pie.” Dude was a DICK.)
Stunningly (in retrospect) I liked it at the time; thought it was cool. Actually, I thought it was “bad ass.” I loved that dude, he was "hilarious!"
So, that was me.
I'll acknowledge that this persona had some utility. It was definitely fun at times being that obnoxious and cocky on the outside. And, this attitude helped me succeed to a certain extent in my investment banking career. But I’m certain it didn’t earn me many friendships; in fact, it very likely killed a few along the way. And I know without a doubt it led to a toxic inner world emotionally and mentally, and very often physically too.
So what got me out?
Well, the first thing was finally waking up to how miserable I was living that persona. Then, doing my work. Committing to a different way of being.
I could not stand the life I’d created. So, I changed the things I could in my outer world. I started down the road of career change first, then committed relationship, marriage, and parenthood. Those things helped somewhat, but changing the outer expressions of my life began to feel like a distraction from what really needed to happen.
What really shifted things was the sharp turn into doing my inner work that I took when the little dude came along. I knew that I had no clue how to actually be a whole, adult man. I wasn’t actually taught that growing up. And I desperately wanted to ensure that I had the tools to raise my son to be a good human. So I had to go and get them for myself first.
I’ve now spent the last decade dedicated to unearthing how I’m wired, and to building a diverse toolbox of emotional, relational, and spiritual skills. It’s completely changed who I am and how I show up every day with myself and the people in my world.
Ready to find out who you are under the persona you had to learn?
Sign up for your free Exploratory Call & bring your questions, or share this with someone who needs it. Let's do this; let's make some significant change in your life too.