EQ Challenge for Men

Here's an emotional intelligence (EQ) challenge for all the men out there (and the women too if it resonates!):

How well can you simply connect with another person's challenge? Can you just be with them, feeling it as they do and simply resonating with their experience? Not fixing, offering advice, or glossing over the emotion of it.

Sounds simple, right? Not so much actually.

One of the main places I've been forced to dig in and do my adulting work is in my relationship with my son. If you've been around children at all you know that, often, things go sideways and they have a melt down over something.

In these moments, especially as men, it's easy to default into our comfort zone actions -- trying to fix what's going on, make them feel better, or maybe even tell them to tough it out (that's what we had to do, right?!). Or, perhaps, we just get really uncomfortable and try to squirm out of the situation as efficiently as possible.

Well here's the deal -- they don't actually want that. What they really want is to simply be met where they are, see that you understand what's happening for them, and feel your empathy. When you can sift through your fix-it impulses and just share your solid presence and compassion with them while they're melting down, they can feel the connection, that they're not alone, and likely that things are going to be OK. It's basic connection and resonance, and it allows the emotional cycle to actually run its course.

This is how my wife and I have navigated our son's emotions throughout his 10+ years and it works like a charm. And, as a huge bonus, it's helped him understand and relate to his emotional landscape way differently than most other people, adults included.

The same goes for our interactions with anyone in a challenging emotional place (including ourselves) -- spouses, friends, co-workers (how many times has your S.O. told you they just want you to listen and not try and fix them?). The thing is, it's damn hard to not fall into our default mode of dealing with discomfort or an emotional challenge, whether it's our own or someone else's.

So start small; look at it like a skill-building exercise. Next time you find yourself in a situation like this, see if you can simply notice what's happening for the other person and make a heart-felt connection with them around their experience of the situation vs. jumping into the situation with them, or trying to pull them out of it. In Hakomi, we call this "listening to the storyteller, not the story." Make a simple statement, like "That sounds like it's really hard." Mean it.

Give it a shot and see what happens, and if anything in your experience of the situation changes. Email me with questions or your comments; I'd love to hear about your experience!